Christmas

Many, if not all, of you, are prepared (preparing) for Christmas. You've got decorations up, gifts bought and wrapped, Christmas music playing, Christmas events going on and possibly even done some Christmas baking. Everywhere you go, you are likely to have some sign of Christmas. I'm sure you're looking forward to some much needed holiday time as well.

Christmas in Changsha is much different. There are no reminders of Christmas. Perhaps the odd Santa decoration is up, but not guaranteed. No Christmas music playing, no great Christmas deals on great gifts. No commercials for this or that. It's just another day. We will need to ask permission from the twins school to pull them out of school for the day (it will be granted as we are foreigners). One day off is all they will get.

You'd think we'd be used to this, being our 6th Christmas here, but it's still strange. No reminders of the 'reason for the season'. Yes, ICC will have Christmas parties for the foreigners across all ICC projects (in fact we just hosted this party this past weekend - it was a blast) and the children will all participate in celebrations as well. The ICC centers are decorated for Christmas with 'Merry Christmas' banners and garland strung everywhere. Yet, it still isn't the same.

Despite our city/country not telling us it's Christmas time, our home says otherwise. We have our tree up, lights up, stockings hung, Christmas music playing, baking happening. But, no gifts bought. Nope, not a one. 2 weeks until Christmas and not a single gift bought. But Christmas is not about gifts, it's about Jesus, and we will remember the reason for the season. Yes, we will still buy a couple of gifts for the children, but they wont be expensive, and there wont be a lot. The twins request this year from Grandma and Papa for Christmas gifts: Fruit Loops and Kraft Dinner. How many nearly 10 year olds will be asking for this?

I am glad we aren't around all the hype this time of year brings. The materialistic view of Christmas. The "I want" coming out of kids mouths every where we go.
But I do miss the church services leading up to Christmas, the Christmas Eve services, seeing houses and parks decorated etc.
Mostly I miss being with family and long time friends. I miss old traditions. I miss snow at Christmastime. We have new friends and new traditions, and it's good. No snow though.

Christmas is different here. Quite different. But we are learning that the way it was and the way it is are both good. The reason we celebrate is still the same. One year we all hope it will work out to be in Airdrie at Christmas time and we can enjoy the old traditions and perhaps introduce our family and friends to some of our new traditions.

No matter where you are or how you are celebrating this year, we want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!

My take on "10 Things Parents of 'Normal' Kids Should Know" by Jami Ingledue

*long, raw, real post*

Since I posted the link "10 Things Parents of 'Normal' Kids Should Know", by Jami Ingledue (on my FB page) Ive been thinking that i want to share a bit about real life in our family.

What Im writing is in direct relation to the article. For those that dont know, we are parenting a young child with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety, impulsivity and sensory issues. She also has a lot of trouble with math (possible discalculia). Its quite the combination.

1. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT WE OR OUR CHILDREN JUST ARENT TRYING HARD ENOUGH

I cant even start to tell you how hard we are trying and feeling like we fail more times than we succeed. Our daughter does so good at school and yes, she melts down at home. This can mean anything from shutting down and going to her room to full out fits which include hitting, scratching, throwing objects, yelling, not eating.

2. WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING

I can not begin to list the things we have tried. And I dont mean we try once and give up. We try a method for weeks, sometimes months, to see if its going to work. 99% of the time it doesnt.

Yes, our child "should" be doing a lot of things, like getting herself dressed in the morning and in the evening for bed. I mean, she is nearly 10 now...however, even this task can be too great for her to handle. Dont even talk about teeth brushing or hair combing (thankfully she likes her hair cut short) or bathing. Yes, we've tried everything. And dont tell me that "something" will work for her, we just havent found it yet. No, there isnt "something" that will work.

3. WE'VE AGONIZED OVER THE DECISION TO MEDICATE

Yes. Yes. Yes. We decided to medicate. After being told by her grade 1 teacher that she isnt cut out for school (in any language), we had to do something. A month later, the teacher was impressed with how much better she was. We see a specialist every 6 months to review her meds. With her being on max amount of meds, she tests on the "normal" line. Too bad max dose only lasts 4 hours. Most of the day she is under medicated. She also needs melatonin to sleep at night. A lot. She can not settle on her own. So yes, I lay with my almost 10yr old EVERY night for about 20 min so she can calm her body down. If im not there, she is too distracted by anything (& her room is basically empty except for necessities). Medication is not right for everyone, but it is for our family.

4. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES DO NOT WORK LIKE THEY DO FOR "NORMAL" KIDS

She will not eat typically in public (except rice or McD's). She will not complete her homework if she is getting teased at school for not doing it. She will not learn to listen and eat the next night if she goes to bed hungry because she had a melt down and missed supper the night before.

5. A TOP-DOWN, AUTHORITATIVE APPROACH DOES NOT WORK FOR THESE KIDS

The more we try to tell her what to do "cause we are the parents and you must listen and obey" does not work. A meltdown will happen in the most amazing way. She will assert her ODD in a way you can not even imagine. We must parent in a way that will get her on board with what she needs to do (including simply getting dressed in the morning or eating during the day). We must watch our words and our tone of voice. The use of the word "no" is not recommended. Sometimes redirection works, sometimes it doesnt. We must pick our battles.

6. THERE ARE HOURS UPON HOURS OF UNSEEN COACHING GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES THAT YOU DONT SEE

Last week we had to talk her out of an anxiety attack because of big winds (caused by a typhoon that was on its way end...that anxiety attack is a whole other story). This is not the first time we've had these discussions. Last week it took about 5 min to calm her, the first time, about 30 min. There has been years of talks to get her to calm down. We talk after EVERY anxiety attack and meltdown on how things could be handled better the next time. Sometimes she remembers, sometimes we are right back where we started from.

7. IF WE ARE LATE OR MISS AN EVENT, IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE ARE UNORGANIZED OR WE DONT RESPECT YOU

This has happened. More than once. Often it's because it has taken too long to calm her. Too long for her to come out of her ODD or anxious state. I wish we could attend everything we are invited to, but we just cant. We must always think about how she will react. Will we be home in time for bed? Will her medicine run out of her system before we get home, if so, how will she be (answer: we never know how she will be)? What is her mood like? We can not predict her mood ahead of time, so we may say yes at the time you ask, but when the day comes, things couldve blown up by then and going out just isnt an option (or having people over).

8. IT'S NEVER-ENDING

Never. It takes a very special person to watch her (yes, even now when she's almost 10). Sending her to camp is not an easy decision. She did well this past summer, but who knows how she will be next year.

Freedom of a normal nearly 10yr old. Nope. Cant do it. I wish we could.

9. WE FEEL ALONE

The writer of the article says "It's hard to talk to other parents honestly about our kids and their achievements. Your kid made the honor roll? Great. Mine didnt kill herself. Yay! Not exactly good for conversation."

This sums it up. Im so happy for those who can brag about your kids achievements. It really is good. But know that a part of me dies every time I read a status like that knowing my child will likely never read at her grade level, never mind above her grade level. My child will likely never be able to tell time using a hand clock or do math. She wont be on a sports team. She wont have sleepovers.

And about not killing herself - you may think this is sarcastic. But you know what, when she has a meltdown, this is so true. Oh, and lets add in that she didnt kill any of us. Because, yes, when she is a full out fit, she says and does things she doesnt mean. She doesnt know what she is saying. So, no, this isnt sarcastic. It is reality.

10. OUR KIDS ARE OFTEN EXCLUDED AND HAVE TROUBLE MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS

Thankfully, she has friends. But she is not at the maturity level most of her peers are at, so I dont know how this will play out as she gets older. Right now its ok. And her twin makes sure she is included. But, kids tend to gravitate more towards her twin than her. 

So, if we are late, if we are on edge, if we are unsure, if we dont jump up and down for your child's accomplishments, it really isnt because of you. Honest. It has everything to do with our journey, our family dynamics and sometimes our feelings that our child can never measure up. And we know you arent posting/sharing/saying things to upset us (i  know this never even crossed your mind). And we really want to be happy for all of you and your families. But sometimes its hard. Especially on a meltdown day.  

Have compassion and try to understand - but I know that is so hard if you arent living in it. Please dont share some cliche phrase or bible verse or some "my _______ is like that and it can be hard when i watch them" type of story in hopes it will give us encouragement. Chances are it wont. 

DO listen. DO care. DO let us rant. DO let us cry on your shoulder when we've had a tough moment (which seems never-ending) or day or week or month. DO call/email/text us. DO ask us how things are (& be prepared for us (ok, me) to breakdown if its been one of those times) with the intention of really wanting to know. We arent looking for you to solve things, but talking it out is sometimes all we need.

Just be there for us. 100%.

Changes - 5 years in

Changes.

As I look back over the last 5 years of serving in Changsha, CHANGE is the word that comes to mind. I can not count how many things have changed. We have all changed in more ways than I can likely count. 

No matter where you are or what you do, change is unavoidable. Change is constant. Change is everywhere. Everyday we grow and change. Some things are subtle, some are not. Some changes you will notice, but your family will not (& vise versa). Some are big. Some are small. Some are scary. Some come easily. Some are internal. Others public. For those of us who believe, we know that God is with us through it all, and that brings us comfort. Change is not a surprise to Him, so he knows exactly what we need to get through.

I hope you'll join me in looking at the changes in our lives. 

THE KIDS

Brendin: has grown from the typical 13 year old to a young man of 18 years old. He moved back to Canada (in 2016) and will begin university, studying engineering, in August (2017). He will be moving to a new city and living in residence. Big, exciting changes are ahead for him! One thing that has not changed is his love for his friends, family and God. He continues to surprise us. 

Jacquelyn: from a pre-teen of 11 years old to a young woman of 16 years old. She is preparing to move back to Canada in just 10 months. She has overcome many obstacles living here and does it with a (fairly, she is a teen after all) good attitude. She continues to amaze me with her love for people, animals and God. I know amazing changes are in her future. Changes to grow her into a wonderful woman of God.

Andrea: from a girl, barely past pre-school age, to someone who is almost in double digits! She has now lived here longer than she lived in Airdrie. She has overcome so much! A diagnosis of ADHD/anxiety/impulsivity/defiance issues/sensory processing concerns hasn't stopped her. She is blossoming into a an awesome girl. She is learning how to self-manage her diagnosis and she doesn't let that define who she is. She is doing so well in local Chinese school. She couldnt speak a word of Chinese when we arrived and now she is entering grade 4, on par with her peers. She enjoys going to local Chinese church and learning about God. She also loves her friends, family and God. 

Alysa: like Andrea, she was barely past pre-school age when we moved here and she is now nearly in double digits! Alysa is also on par with her peers for learning in Chinese. Both girls are often mistaken for local Chinese children. Alysa enjoys going to local Chinese church and learning about God. Alysa, like her siblings, loves her friends, family and God. 

CULTURE 

We had some idea of what the culture would be like when we arrived, but nothing could've prepared us for living here. We were in shock for quite some time. And to be honest, we sometimes still shake our head at things. We learned that just because something is different, doesn't mean it's wrong. Ways of doing things here took a while to get used to. 
Changes from Canadian culture to Chinese culture are many. 

• food
• language
• dress
• driving
• punctuality
• air quality
• green spaces
• playgrounds
• homes/apartments  
• school
• holidays

LANGUAGE

We had to learn a whole new language. Not any new language, one of the hardest languages for a native English speaker to learn. We were thrown into a city where English is extremely limited, so we had to learn mandarin just to survive. No one in the workplace speaks English, so that was an incentive as well to learn. We have gone from not knowing much more than 你好 (ni hao, hello) to being able to have full conversations (although at a 4 year old language level) with locals. We have even learned to read some of the language and can communicate with the local managers, the twins school and other local friends via a popular app called WeChat. There is something very humbling about being illiterate and needing to depend on someone for every little thing. We still need to call on on our bilingual teammates from time to time, but not nearly as much as we used to. We need to trust ourselves more as often when we call them for translation, we understood correctly! 

COMMUNITY/FRIENDS

This has been a biggie for us all. The teens had to learn to be each others best friends as there are no local foreign teens here for them. We had to learn to meet new people, and connect with our team (more on team on the next section). We left all our friends in Canada. That was hard for all of us. With God's leading, we met a group of amazing foreigners (mostly Americans, most are families) about 10 months after we arrived. They are still a huge part of our life. The group has changed over the years with people leaving and others coming, but they are part of the glue that holds us here. It was in this group that each of us found lasting friendships. It's hard to do life as the only couple/family in a team, and these friends gave us a sense of belonging. 

TEAM LIFE 

No one tells you when you leave on missions just how much your teammates will be in your life, or how much you need them in your life. This was a huge change for us. You don't typically work and live and do life with the same group of people. But, here, you do. In a foreign country, where you don't speak the language, and don't know the culture, your team is where you find belonging. 
Our team, in itself, is a cultural hodgepodge. If you thought working with people from other English speaking countries was going to be fairly easy to figure out, think again. We have been on team with 31 different people. Only 4 are still here today. That means we have said hello and goodbye to 27 people. And that's just on our Changsha team, I haven't counted the teammates from Heng Yang or Sanmenxia we have said hello and goodbye to. Never would we have imagined the amazing friendships we would be building. We have made life-long friends. 
To give you an idea of the cultures represented in the team, this is a list of the countries our teammates have come from:

• Australia (12)
• Britain (7)
• Singapore (5)
• America (2)
• Philippines (1)
• Sweden (1)
• Taiwan (1)
• Chinese (1)
• Canada (1)

I don't think the average person goes through this much change in 5 years. Family dynamics, new language, new culture, new community and friends, new workplace, first time working on a close team - can be a recipe for disaster. Thankfully God saw us through every change. He went before us and prepared things, he goes beside us daily and we know he is paving the way ahead of us. 

Would we change anything? NO! Not for a million dollars. The struggles and sacrifices of change are huge, but the benefits are amazing. If you would've asked us 6 years ago if our family could've endured such changes, I would've said you were crazy. Which is probably why God doesn't reveal his whole plan to us at once. We couldn't handle it. 

Would we do it all over again? YES! This opportunity to serve in Changsha far exceeds our greatest dreams. The change we see in ourselves, the kids and our work is so life-giving. If we didn't face the changes, embrace them and grow from them, we would not be loving the life we have now. We are looking forward to the changes that are sure to come our way. They wont all be without suffering, but they will all be worth it.