Torn

Working in a foreign country, in an orphanage, you should be thrilled when a you hear a child has been matched with a Western family and is getting adopted. Right? But what if you're not? Should a child ever be labeled "un-adoptable"? At what age? Is this even right? 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. A few weeks ago we had one 12yr old girl go to America to be with her 'forever family' and just recently a 12yr old boy has been matched with an American family. It is still unsure when he will go to America,  but likely before the end of the year.

On the surface these sound like great things. And most of me jumps with joy at the thought of these pre-teens having a forever family. Another part of me is worried about these kids. They are being taken away from EVERYTHING they know. Absolutely EVERYTHING!! I know we came here and was taken away from so many things we knew. But we  had each other! We all spoke the same language, we all came from the same culture, we were in this together. There is comfort in numbers. Our roots didn't change. These kids are going to a foreign country, on their own. Yes, they have a family that has come here to take them, but its not their family, not yet anyways. They go with strangers and are expected to call them Mom & Dad, Brother & Sister. The family has had, in most cases, years to plan for a new child to come into their family. The child may have a few months, and may or may not have pictures and letters from the family. This new family usually is not fluent in their language and the children here do not know much English. They know 'hello', 'how are you', 'bye bye'. For the most part, that may be all. 

So this new family comes to China, meets their new child face-to-face for the first time, spends a couple weeks in the country then everyone leaves together. The orphan now has a family. A mom & dad, siblings. This is not so bad. But...the child can not talk to the family because they speak different languages. The child behaves a certain way which has always been culturally acceptable and now gets scolded. The child has to eat this strange food, at strange times, using a fork & knife. Each person gets their own meal, there aren't community dishes in the middle of the table for everyone to share. There is no xiūxí {show she'}, rest, from 12:00-2:00pm every day. The school system is different - the child is way ahead in math, far beyond their peers (usually), yet cant read a word of English. They now have a new name. An English name. One they may not be able to pronounce.

We moved here together. With the core family unit all in tact. We all talk the same. We eat the same food. We use the same utensils. We're in this together. Yet we struggled. And still struggle at times.

The child is doing this on their own. Alone. No one who really 'gets it'. How scary is that?

I'm not saying these things cant be overcome. I'm not saying that the child is going to be worse off for moving to America. I'm not saying the family is not going to be a good forever family. 

What I am saying is that is going to be difficult. It's not an easy journey. It's going to be hard work, for everyone. I know this is the way with any adoptions. It's never easy. Coming from different culture just adds a whole new dynamic.

I am thinking that the younger the child, the easier it will be to adjust to everything new. I wonder if the less life experience they have in their home culture, the easier it is to adjust. 

There is no right or wrong. I don't have the answers. Every child is unique. Every family is unique. Every situation is unique. This is just something to ponder. Adoption is great, but is it always the right thing for older children from a different culture? I don't know. 

I pray these 2 children have great families. I pray they adjust well. I pray that in a few years they fit right in, as though they've always been there. I pray it is an easy adjustment. I pray they are happy. As happy as they are here. Even happier.